“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” (Heraclitus)

I've now been in the UK for 12 years, and in Oxford for 6, half of all that time. 

Earlier this month, I took the same trip from Bristol to Oxford that I took exactly 6 years ago - on exactly the same day of the week. Retracing my steps showed me just how far I have come. 

And just last week at dancing, I asked two men to dance whom I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined I would ever be able to walk up to and ask if they wanted to dance. 

Interestingly, one of them remembered me, and the other one didn't recognise me at all. I like to think that's because I have changed so much over the past 6 years, not least my new haircut. 

But what struck me was not that I wasn't scared to ask them to dance, scared that they might turn me down, but that I felt I was good enough to ask them to dance with me, and that whilst I was dancing with them, I was focussed on the dance and not the mistakes I might have been making. Because they wouldn't point out mistakes, they would give me the opportunity to learn and perhaps admire the attempts, admire my progress. 

It's interesting that the dance floor had been redone for that night. 

It made me realise that I am not the same woman, nor was it the same dance floor.* 

Purlgirl xx

*with apologies to Heraclitus

"You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.” (Tom Hiddleston)

* Update, I completed the 100 Happy Days challenge on Friday, 7th June 2014. 100 days, 100 photos to capture the little things that made each day worthwhile. I've decided to continue taking photos of the things that make me happy, with my own hash tag - ##anotherhappypearl

Knit each step, but look at the pattern

When you're knitting a project, you have to knit each stitch, but as I knit more, I begin to realise that with Mindfulness, whilst you need to knit each stitch, you also have to move on to the next one, and every now and again step back and look at the whole to see if the pattern looks right.

In time, you learn to read the pattern, no matter how complicated, and ask yourself, “Does this look right to you?”

But you don't count every stitch, or you'd lose your motivation, you take each one as it comes.

This year, I signed up to the 100 Happy Days Challenge, a challenge to find something to photograph something makes me happy every day for 100 days. I am on Day 52 – past the halfway mark and reaching Day 50 feels like a milestone. I have become used to taking a photo every day, one step at a time.

My friend Caroline is at the final stages of sewing together around 120 squares that she crocheted over a few years to make a blanket for her bed. I remember when she started, and how I admire her perseverance. If she had focussed on the number she needed to do, instead of crocheting each one, one at a time, she might never have finished.

The same goes at work, when you're having a busy day and there's lots going on, it's easy to get lost in the “busy work”, when really it's the significant few that make the difference. (Stephen Covey, "First Things First")

I'm learning to do this at work. When I work on a task, to go ahead with the task and then to pause and look at the pattern; to find the pattern and check what is out of place, rather than focussing on each individual step and getting lost in the small.

And to focus on the finishing touches, as a way of reminding myself when I have achieved it, e.g. every morning when I put my ear-rings in, they're the finishing touch to my outfit. Then slipping my feet into my shoes and opening the curtains to let the daylight in just before I leave the house. 

This is the finishing touch that tells me I'm ready to leave the house and start my day.

What’s the point that triggers the next step and lets you move forward and climb your mountain? 

Purlgirl xx

"Sometimes a little bit of space is all you need to realise what you truly want." (Unknown)

* This is my 30th post, and on 24th March it will be 2 years since I wrote my first. Thank you to all my readers for your support and for letting me share my thoughts with you. 

Creating space in my life

When I was younger I hated tidying my room. Now I feel good when it is tidy; I feel like I have space to think and be.

Recently I bought a super king-size duvet for my bed - inspired by a stay in a fabulous hotel in my home town of Swakopmund, whilst I was there.

That one night away from home changed everything. My friend Georgi suggested we go on holiday together the next time I'm home, and my parents recognised that I needed my own space, even if only for one night, and that I am independent and can pay my own way.

Paying for it myself, not through anyone else, made a difference. I didn’t settle for less than I wanted by having two nights in an inexpensive venue. I’d met an overseas tourist who had stayed there, so chose it too when I realised I'd wanted to. Realising it didn't matter what anyone thought, it's my life, and in some cases telling people only after I'd signed in. I decided it was something I'd always secretly wanted to do, and realising I could.

I was greeted with a drink at registration at the hotel, and that evening my friends came back to the bar for a nightcap after we had dinner in a restaurant I remembered from my childhood as being a special place.

And one night makes a difference. We often think we need oodles of time, when actually just waking up in a different bed is all we need.

All of this led to me coming back to the UK and redesigning my room - my “boudoir” - where I can get in touch with my emotions. Even though the bed fills more space, there is still plenty of space for me and enough still to dance and move around, just as there will be in a relationship.

Part of this redecoration is choosing to keep only the outfits that express who I am now, the way you do when you choose your best outfits to pack for an overnight stay in a hotel.

And perhaps realising that's who you've been all along.

Purlgirl xx

“Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward” (Erika Taylor)

A new skin means shedding the old one. 

I've moved into a new place, and I am living on my own for the first time. It's exciting, I'm standing on the cusp of a new life and finding out who I am.  

My brother has just started a new life, too. He got married on Friday, as I was moving into my new place. It was a paper ceremony - the official wedding party with the white dress is in February - and I can't wait to go home in the new year, to be bridesmaid and to celebrate with them. 

And I realised that if we marry, the change is obvious, the bride wears a wedding dress, she may even change her name, and there is a ceremony to mark the event. We are beginning a new life, and we are leaving the past behind. No matter how small, our identity changes. 

In a way, I had my own "ceremony" to mark my event - a flatwarming party on Saturday evening, co-hosted with my new landlord, with music and dancing (what else!) with my friends, and new acquaintances and neighbours. 

What a great way to start a new tenancy. I met new people through the party and it was really special to let people into my living space, especially when a friend commented on how homely the flat felt. She asked how long I had been living there, and I could tell her, since Wednesday! 

Moving out of the previous house has been a real watershed for me. I thought the hardest part would be the move and the inventory check, but that wasn't the end, and even now, having moved in and unpacked, it will still take some time to adjust to a new environment and to create new rituals and relationships. 

I was fortunate to have a transition period, where I stayed with a friend for a few weeks whilst I waited for the flat to be ready. He lives about 10 doors up the road from where I first lived when I arrived in Oxford. So you could say it was literally a step back, and a nice way to bookend the time I spent in the other house. It was an opportunity to see how far I have come, and what I have kept that was good. 

When I moved out, I was fortunate enough to be able to move my things to the new place. I only took the vital things with me when I was staying with my friend. This meant when I moved into the flat officially last Wednesday, everything was already there for me. 

I unpacked things, and then moved the rest of the things over, and I did it over the course of a few days. I have found a place for everything, and on Saturday we co-hosted the party by having the drinks on my floor, and the food on his floor upstairs in the main house. And everyone came and danced, and helped me to warm my new flat.

Clearing the previous house made me realise just what all the previous tenants had left behind as each one had moved out over the course of the past 10 years, and that we often accept what others leave behind simply because we can't tell the difference, or don't realise that they  have done so. We have to decide - Do we accept that, what do we keep, and what do we take with us? 

And this is the first time I am living by myself, and the first time that I am moving in at the start of a tenancy. So I am truly starting on a fresh page. 

Once I had settled in, I could see what I really need, and what I can let go of because it is no longer necessary. I can also see how everything I have allows me to express myself and my identity. When you walk into the flat, it's clear that I am the one who is currently living here. 

Now everything I see is me, and I am totally responsible. If it's messy, it's my mess. If it's tidy, it's up to me. And I get to decorate it just the way I want to. It's furnished, so there is a lot that is already there, but just being in a new space, and looking at my things after a break of 3 weeks has given me a better idea of what fits, and what doesn't belong. 

And because my bedroom is also my living room, I need to keep it tidy. It is taking a bit of getting used to, but I find I like it, and it was wonderful to have all my friends come and dance in my living room on Saturday. I will cherish the memories, and probably find myself dancing around the living room often myself! 

I am looking forward to discovering who the new me is in this flat. I already know she's colourful, and bright and sociable. I also know she's comfortable in her own skin. 

As for the rest, who knows? Only time will tell. 

Purlgirl

xx

"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity". (Hippocrates)

Giving yourself time to heal

A few months ago I underwent surgery to have 3 of my wisdom teeth out. Because it needed to be done under general anaesthetic, I was off work for a week to recover. This much time spent recovering, mostly in my own company, I learned a lot about my friends and a little about myself. 

I learned how much my friends care about me, and that they all showed it in different ways - the flowers, the cards, the texts before I went in, the texts after I came out, the visits when I was recovering. 

My friend Cally spent the day with me in the hospital, patiently waiting for me to go into surgery, and she and my friend Sarah spent hours waiting for me to come round from the anaesthetic, only to be sent home because the hospital kept me in overnight. It's times like these that you realise how fortunate you are to have good friends in your life. 

My friends also rallied round to lend me boxsets and DVDs of movies that are guilty pleasures to watch. When you're feeling ill, if that's what you want, if that's the creature comforts of home, so be it. Who wants to watch Shakespeare when you're ill? And even the guiltiest of pleasures can still teach you something, if you're looking for it. 

I realised that even bees have to sleep! Sometimes you're the bee, sometimes you're the person lying in the sun. When they are busy, you are relaxing, and sometimes it's the other way around.

It's okay to sleep and rest and recover - and I learned that if I had to do so for a year*, I would find a way of getting through it - just the same way that Pollyanna** did. 

And there's nothing like a good boxset when you're feeling ill - it  takes your mind off  things entirely, you get involved with the characters and their lives, and you remember that this too will pass - it was just my mind playing tricks on me, because I knew that in time I would be fully recovered. 

But most of all, I learned that although you can put off facing something you don't want to do, that by facing it you get to decide when to do it. You get to regain control of the situation, and that you will make it through. 

Purlgirl xx

*"How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" Dale Carnegie, (Simon and Schuster, 1948)

** "Pollyanna" Eleanor H. Porter, (L.C. Page, 1913)

"A home is like a second skin. A new one takes time to grow" (Helen Brown)

Transforming ourselves

Every time we move house, a new chapter begins. New opportunities, new friends and neighbours, a new environment. Through these new experiences we learn more about ourselves - we may discover new hobbies and interests, new friendships or a new favourite haunt. 

I am moving into a new home soon, and it has given me the time to re-evaluate my possessions and to decide what I am taking with me to my new place. It's interesting how we can hold onto possessions for years simply because they are there. It is only when we begin the process of packing up to move that we consider whether the possessions will belong in the new home, whether it is worth our while to pack them up and carry them with us. 

In a way, each time we move, we have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to begin anew. We can choose what to take with us, and where it will fit into our new life. 

Looking back, I think I first started out reinventing myself in my final year of university, by emulating David Bowie. That was my identity - I was Bowiegirl. I listened to all his songs, I read everything about him and watched all his films. I still recall dressing up as Ziggy Stardust/Aladdin Sane in London ten years ago, to go and see him live at the Odeon. Through dressing up, I had an identity. Through dressing up as him I met like-minded people. But through trying on his persona, I began to discover who I really am, which led to me coming to the UK eleven years ago. 

Five years ago, that identity expanded to incorporate my new passion for dancing, and knitting, and led me to many new experiences, including writing this blog. I also moved into a new house and a bigger room, where I had space to discover what I needed, the space to work through my belongings and to see what I no longer needed. I shared with two other housemates, and as the years have gone on, we have each in our own ways made this house a better home. We have invested time and money into it, and built strong ties.

We have come to the end of our lease and are each going our separate ways. We are each ready for the next step that is right for us, whether that be Carolina moving in with her other half, or in my case, living on my own for the first time. 

I am excited at the prospect. I see this as an opportunity to create my new space, an oasis, where everything has its purpose and place. A happy place that is welcoming and inviting, both for me and my visitors.

My friend Tanya, who had the flat before me, has given me a wonderful housewarming present. An organza bag with six smooth-cut pebbles, inscribed with the qualities needed for a happy home - "joy, hope, happiness, love, peace and wisdom". I have placed them in the flat as a welcoming presence when I move in. 

I am touched that the stones have been handed to me by the previous tenant. 

I can't think of a better way to greet the beginning of a new chapter. 

Purlgirl

xx

“Seashells remind us that every passing life leaves something beautiful behind.” (Unknown)

Letting go

*This post is a tribute to Grandma who passed away last Sunday, and I dedicate it to her memory.*

My Grandma passed away last Sunday. She was unwell a few weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital having my wisdom teeth out, and then rallied round just long enough for my parents and my brother to travel to see her. 

Today was her memorial service. I was not able to go home for the service because my family are on the other side of the world, 8 000 km away. And yet, I realise that whilst I may have been on my own today, I was not alone and certainly not lonely. 

In a way, I am with my family - all my friends who have rallied round, in different ways to show me how much they care, and I realise how lucky I am. And I feel closer to my own family, back home, for all the messages and conversations, and for spending the day in honour of Ivy. 

Grandma passing away brought home to me the importance of letting go. It brought the opportunity to be closer to my brother and his fiancée. My brother will be in Liverpool for a short time next month, and I have the opportunity to go and see him and give him a huge hug to show him how much I care and to feel close to my family. My brother's fiancée contributed a poem to the memorial service, and suggested I send a message to share what I would be doing today. 

I chose my own way to celebrate Grandma's life, in Wallingford, a town outside of Oxford that I think she would have liked. The service was at 8am this morning, and I found a church service in Wallingford that was going on at the same time as my Gran's funeral. I found a quiet space to contemplate her memory, and the vicar invited me to light a candle for her. I was touched when he then said a prayer for her during the service. 

I spent the day remembering my Gran, exploring Wallingford and writing her a farewell letter. I am thankful that the last time I saw her I showed her photos of my life in the UK, and told her how much I loved her. I am also thankful that I got to hug her one last time. 

I saw many butterflies today in Wallingford, and I was drawn to buy an artwork of many paper butterflies that lifted my spirits. A friend has subsequently told me that butterflies are said to carry the souls of the dead to heaven, and in that case, I feel that Grandma has safely passed over and is at peace. 

I find it ironic that I had made peace with her passing, but not said a mental good-bye, and yet where I had said a mental good-bye to the house I am living in and leaving within the next month, I had not made peace with it. 

It wasn't until my Grandmother passed  away, that I realised I was still holding onto certain things in my life. And that the time has come to say goodbye, to end this chapter, and begin a new one. 

We have to celebrate the memories, and be grateful for them. And recognise that our grandparents may be a generation too far removed to really appreciate them until we are older, if we are lucky to have them in our lives that long.

I have realised it is up to me to ask my mother about her life, to learn about her childhood and upbringing, so that I can pass that to my children when they are old enough. And if I do this, and show my children how much love I have for my parents, it will hopefully engender the same interest in them, and we would pass that on.

So I begin this now. I loved Grandma the way you love your grandparents, but I'm not sure I ever really totally understood what made her who she was, and I think by asking our parents about their lives, we begin to understand their past, and how it shaped them, and in turn how it shapes us.

And then, once I know the past, I can pick the good habits, traditions and traits, and pass them on to a new generation.

Stephen Covey, in "First Things First" tells us "we can choose to rewrite our script", "to change it" for future generations.

What legacy will you leave?

Purlgirl xx


* in memory of Ivy, who passed away 11th August 2013. RIP Grandma, we will miss you. 

** with thanks to my colleague Elena who shared this beautiful quotation with me

*** "First Things First", Stephen Covey, A Roger Merrill & Rebecca R. Merrill, (Simon & Schuster, 1999)