“Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward” (Erika Taylor)

A new skin means shedding the old one. 

I've moved into a new place, and I am living on my own for the first time. It's exciting, I'm standing on the cusp of a new life and finding out who I am.  

My brother has just started a new life, too. He got married on Friday, as I was moving into my new place. It was a paper ceremony - the official wedding party with the white dress is in February - and I can't wait to go home in the new year, to be bridesmaid and to celebrate with them. 

And I realised that if we marry, the change is obvious, the bride wears a wedding dress, she may even change her name, and there is a ceremony to mark the event. We are beginning a new life, and we are leaving the past behind. No matter how small, our identity changes. 

In a way, I had my own "ceremony" to mark my event - a flatwarming party on Saturday evening, co-hosted with my new landlord, with music and dancing (what else!) with my friends, and new acquaintances and neighbours. 

What a great way to start a new tenancy. I met new people through the party and it was really special to let people into my living space, especially when a friend commented on how homely the flat felt. She asked how long I had been living there, and I could tell her, since Wednesday! 

Moving out of the previous house has been a real watershed for me. I thought the hardest part would be the move and the inventory check, but that wasn't the end, and even now, having moved in and unpacked, it will still take some time to adjust to a new environment and to create new rituals and relationships. 

I was fortunate to have a transition period, where I stayed with a friend for a few weeks whilst I waited for the flat to be ready. He lives about 10 doors up the road from where I first lived when I arrived in Oxford. So you could say it was literally a step back, and a nice way to bookend the time I spent in the other house. It was an opportunity to see how far I have come, and what I have kept that was good. 

When I moved out, I was fortunate enough to be able to move my things to the new place. I only took the vital things with me when I was staying with my friend. This meant when I moved into the flat officially last Wednesday, everything was already there for me. 

I unpacked things, and then moved the rest of the things over, and I did it over the course of a few days. I have found a place for everything, and on Saturday we co-hosted the party by having the drinks on my floor, and the food on his floor upstairs in the main house. And everyone came and danced, and helped me to warm my new flat.

Clearing the previous house made me realise just what all the previous tenants had left behind as each one had moved out over the course of the past 10 years, and that we often accept what others leave behind simply because we can't tell the difference, or don't realise that they  have done so. We have to decide - Do we accept that, what do we keep, and what do we take with us? 

And this is the first time I am living by myself, and the first time that I am moving in at the start of a tenancy. So I am truly starting on a fresh page. 

Once I had settled in, I could see what I really need, and what I can let go of because it is no longer necessary. I can also see how everything I have allows me to express myself and my identity. When you walk into the flat, it's clear that I am the one who is currently living here. 

Now everything I see is me, and I am totally responsible. If it's messy, it's my mess. If it's tidy, it's up to me. And I get to decorate it just the way I want to. It's furnished, so there is a lot that is already there, but just being in a new space, and looking at my things after a break of 3 weeks has given me a better idea of what fits, and what doesn't belong. 

And because my bedroom is also my living room, I need to keep it tidy. It is taking a bit of getting used to, but I find I like it, and it was wonderful to have all my friends come and dance in my living room on Saturday. I will cherish the memories, and probably find myself dancing around the living room often myself! 

I am looking forward to discovering who the new me is in this flat. I already know she's colourful, and bright and sociable. I also know she's comfortable in her own skin. 

As for the rest, who knows? Only time will tell. 

Purlgirl

xx

"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity". (Hippocrates)

Giving yourself time to heal

A few months ago I underwent surgery to have 3 of my wisdom teeth out. Because it needed to be done under general anaesthetic, I was off work for a week to recover. This much time spent recovering, mostly in my own company, I learned a lot about my friends and a little about myself. 

I learned how much my friends care about me, and that they all showed it in different ways - the flowers, the cards, the texts before I went in, the texts after I came out, the visits when I was recovering. 

My friend Cally spent the day with me in the hospital, patiently waiting for me to go into surgery, and she and my friend Sarah spent hours waiting for me to come round from the anaesthetic, only to be sent home because the hospital kept me in overnight. It's times like these that you realise how fortunate you are to have good friends in your life. 

My friends also rallied round to lend me boxsets and DVDs of movies that are guilty pleasures to watch. When you're feeling ill, if that's what you want, if that's the creature comforts of home, so be it. Who wants to watch Shakespeare when you're ill? And even the guiltiest of pleasures can still teach you something, if you're looking for it. 

I realised that even bees have to sleep! Sometimes you're the bee, sometimes you're the person lying in the sun. When they are busy, you are relaxing, and sometimes it's the other way around.

It's okay to sleep and rest and recover - and I learned that if I had to do so for a year*, I would find a way of getting through it - just the same way that Pollyanna** did. 

And there's nothing like a good boxset when you're feeling ill - it  takes your mind off  things entirely, you get involved with the characters and their lives, and you remember that this too will pass - it was just my mind playing tricks on me, because I knew that in time I would be fully recovered. 

But most of all, I learned that although you can put off facing something you don't want to do, that by facing it you get to decide when to do it. You get to regain control of the situation, and that you will make it through. 

Purlgirl xx

*"How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" Dale Carnegie, (Simon and Schuster, 1948)

** "Pollyanna" Eleanor H. Porter, (L.C. Page, 1913)

"A home is like a second skin. A new one takes time to grow" (Helen Brown)

Transforming ourselves

Every time we move house, a new chapter begins. New opportunities, new friends and neighbours, a new environment. Through these new experiences we learn more about ourselves - we may discover new hobbies and interests, new friendships or a new favourite haunt. 

I am moving into a new home soon, and it has given me the time to re-evaluate my possessions and to decide what I am taking with me to my new place. It's interesting how we can hold onto possessions for years simply because they are there. It is only when we begin the process of packing up to move that we consider whether the possessions will belong in the new home, whether it is worth our while to pack them up and carry them with us. 

In a way, each time we move, we have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to begin anew. We can choose what to take with us, and where it will fit into our new life. 

Looking back, I think I first started out reinventing myself in my final year of university, by emulating David Bowie. That was my identity - I was Bowiegirl. I listened to all his songs, I read everything about him and watched all his films. I still recall dressing up as Ziggy Stardust/Aladdin Sane in London ten years ago, to go and see him live at the Odeon. Through dressing up, I had an identity. Through dressing up as him I met like-minded people. But through trying on his persona, I began to discover who I really am, which led to me coming to the UK eleven years ago. 

Five years ago, that identity expanded to incorporate my new passion for dancing, and knitting, and led me to many new experiences, including writing this blog. I also moved into a new house and a bigger room, where I had space to discover what I needed, the space to work through my belongings and to see what I no longer needed. I shared with two other housemates, and as the years have gone on, we have each in our own ways made this house a better home. We have invested time and money into it, and built strong ties.

We have come to the end of our lease and are each going our separate ways. We are each ready for the next step that is right for us, whether that be Carolina moving in with her other half, or in my case, living on my own for the first time. 

I am excited at the prospect. I see this as an opportunity to create my new space, an oasis, where everything has its purpose and place. A happy place that is welcoming and inviting, both for me and my visitors.

My friend Tanya, who had the flat before me, has given me a wonderful housewarming present. An organza bag with six smooth-cut pebbles, inscribed with the qualities needed for a happy home - "joy, hope, happiness, love, peace and wisdom". I have placed them in the flat as a welcoming presence when I move in. 

I am touched that the stones have been handed to me by the previous tenant. 

I can't think of a better way to greet the beginning of a new chapter. 

Purlgirl

xx

“Seashells remind us that every passing life leaves something beautiful behind.” (Unknown)

Letting go

*This post is a tribute to Grandma who passed away last Sunday, and I dedicate it to her memory.*

My Grandma passed away last Sunday. She was unwell a few weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital having my wisdom teeth out, and then rallied round just long enough for my parents and my brother to travel to see her. 

Today was her memorial service. I was not able to go home for the service because my family are on the other side of the world, 8 000 km away. And yet, I realise that whilst I may have been on my own today, I was not alone and certainly not lonely. 

In a way, I am with my family - all my friends who have rallied round, in different ways to show me how much they care, and I realise how lucky I am. And I feel closer to my own family, back home, for all the messages and conversations, and for spending the day in honour of Ivy. 

Grandma passing away brought home to me the importance of letting go. It brought the opportunity to be closer to my brother and his fiancée. My brother will be in Liverpool for a short time next month, and I have the opportunity to go and see him and give him a huge hug to show him how much I care and to feel close to my family. My brother's fiancée contributed a poem to the memorial service, and suggested I send a message to share what I would be doing today. 

I chose my own way to celebrate Grandma's life, in Wallingford, a town outside of Oxford that I think she would have liked. The service was at 8am this morning, and I found a church service in Wallingford that was going on at the same time as my Gran's funeral. I found a quiet space to contemplate her memory, and the vicar invited me to light a candle for her. I was touched when he then said a prayer for her during the service. 

I spent the day remembering my Gran, exploring Wallingford and writing her a farewell letter. I am thankful that the last time I saw her I showed her photos of my life in the UK, and told her how much I loved her. I am also thankful that I got to hug her one last time. 

I saw many butterflies today in Wallingford, and I was drawn to buy an artwork of many paper butterflies that lifted my spirits. A friend has subsequently told me that butterflies are said to carry the souls of the dead to heaven, and in that case, I feel that Grandma has safely passed over and is at peace. 

I find it ironic that I had made peace with her passing, but not said a mental good-bye, and yet where I had said a mental good-bye to the house I am living in and leaving within the next month, I had not made peace with it. 

It wasn't until my Grandmother passed  away, that I realised I was still holding onto certain things in my life. And that the time has come to say goodbye, to end this chapter, and begin a new one. 

We have to celebrate the memories, and be grateful for them. And recognise that our grandparents may be a generation too far removed to really appreciate them until we are older, if we are lucky to have them in our lives that long.

I have realised it is up to me to ask my mother about her life, to learn about her childhood and upbringing, so that I can pass that to my children when they are old enough. And if I do this, and show my children how much love I have for my parents, it will hopefully engender the same interest in them, and we would pass that on.

So I begin this now. I loved Grandma the way you love your grandparents, but I'm not sure I ever really totally understood what made her who she was, and I think by asking our parents about their lives, we begin to understand their past, and how it shaped them, and in turn how it shapes us.

And then, once I know the past, I can pick the good habits, traditions and traits, and pass them on to a new generation.

Stephen Covey, in "First Things First" tells us "we can choose to rewrite our script", "to change it" for future generations.

What legacy will you leave?

Purlgirl xx


* in memory of Ivy, who passed away 11th August 2013. RIP Grandma, we will miss you. 

** with thanks to my colleague Elena who shared this beautiful quotation with me

*** "First Things First", Stephen Covey, A Roger Merrill & Rebecca R. Merrill, (Simon & Schuster, 1999)

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." (Siddhārtha Gautama)

Centering myself: 

It might have something to do with the fact that it's my birthday in a week, and my birthday falls on Midsummer's Day, the midpoint of the year, or just that I am getting another year older, but I feel as though every year I become a little more peaceful, and contented, a little bit more at ease with myself, my surroundings and the skin I live in. 

I had a clear-out over the weekend. I moved my winter clothes to another wardrobe, so that all I see when I open my wardrobe is my summer clothes, and because I have less, I can see all I have clearly. I'm letting go, letting go of everything I no longer need, and that includes many beliefs and thoughts that I have carried around with me over the last 34 years. 

35 feels like a significant age, even more so than 30 did, and 30 was a turning point. That was the year I started a new job, and moved to a new town, made new friends and discovered new interests, including the life coaching course I am doing right now. I feel, more than anything, that I have learned the most in those 5 years than at any other time in my life.

And whilst my life is rich and full, I am beginning to value the oases of serenity and calm where I find them. Whether that be spending time in nature, in the pool, in a book, with fellow dancers winding down after the session, or with other knitters in a coffee shop. 

Surprisingly, serenity and calm can even be found in the midst of a bustling coffee shop. If no-one knows you, you can be still in the midst of the bustle. It's as if all the noise just fades into the background, leaving you with your thoughts. 

Whilst clearing out my clutter, I was able to see only  that which I needed. Just as I was oblivious to the background noise in the coffee shop, the rest became superfluous, no matter how convinced I had been previously that I couldn't do without it. The same goes for my beliefs and thoughts. 

And once I saw the benefit of letting go of the clutter, and keeping only that which was beautiful, joyful or useful, I could see the space I have around me - space to think, to reflect, to just be. 

Creating the space in my home inspired me to do the same with a few rituals I have adopted to organise myself. 

I now realise that these rituals don't just help me to stay organised, they centre me. They allow me to find the touchstones in my day, to anchor myself. 

From choosing to take the slow bus which meanders home from where I work through the villages and towns in the evenings, to preparing my lunch and my outfit for work before I go to bed, to closing cupboard doors and drawers every time I leave a room. 

I started doing this unconsciously when I began closing the gate leaving the house - a moment when I now pause and  glance back at the house as I leave, and serves as a reminder that I have locked the front door. This morning I realised that my lunch consists of various items, which I often grab as I leave the house. I have a lunchbox at work that I now place all the items into at the start of my day, so that my lunch is ready when 12 o'clock comes round. It allows me to feel as if my well-being is important, to remind me to eat a well-balanced meal and when lunchtime comes around I have everything ready and waiting in one place. 

This little ritual serves as a moment out of my day to centre myself, to do something for myself. It gives me the  energy I need to fill my lamp* so I can continue to burn and let my light shine. 

For each of us that little ritual is different, yet it serves the same purpose: to ground us in an ever-changing world. Because the only thing that is constant is the inner peace we seek. 

Purlgirl xx

* http://www.flickspire.com/m/LSTruth/OilForYourLamp

"At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and then inevitable" (Christopher Reeve)

I recently came across this poem that I wrote a while ago. I am sharing it because I felt it was appropriate to this blog. The rest of the post follows below. 

"Dreams" *

Can we have what we dream? 

Or are our deepest desires to be locked up in secret forever?

Are they so fragile, that if we touch them they will shatter?

Or do we lack the courage to go for the big dreams we keep hidden away? 

Why, then, do some dreams come true? 

Do we want them enough? 

Are they simply meant to be? 

Did we let them come to us like a butterfly? 

Or did we pursue them? Did we visualise them? 

Did we see them in our mind's eye? 

Did we touch, taste, feel and surround ourselves? Did we wrap them around us? 

Did we appreciate them when they came true? 

Why is it that we are scared of achieving our goals? Why is it that we want to achieve them and yet we are so scared of what this will mean in our lives? 

What about when I go to the gym and do my workout? Halfway through I'm convinced I can't make it, but then  something kicks in and I find the energy to persevere - just begin, that's the hardest part. 

Once you start, it's like you're on a moving path, a bit like a horizontal escalator, it takes you forward. 

Perhaps that is the trick. To not think too much about the end result; to keep it in mind but to take it one step at a time. To choose to be confident every moment of every day, to look back and ask ourselves what we will wish we had done.

The hardest part of all is just to begin - if we will only put one foot in front of the other, each step takes us one step forward.

And how can we know what the next step is if we don't know what our final destination is? 

Purlgirl xx

* "Dreams" by Lynn Degele, (2008)

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." (Aristotle)

Building on the habits of success

Our habits, good and bad, create our lives. Our good habits create the structure in our lives, to support the success, and well-balanced lives. The good habits that we create provide the foundation, they allow us to build on top of this. 

I had my annual "staycation" recently, an opportunity for me to take time off, to explore new areas and ideas, and to reflect on life. This year my staycation included a tour of the Bodleian Library in Oxford, the York Minster Cathedral and the Multangular tower in York, as well as Durham Cathedral. 

Apart from the historical aspect of this vacation, architectural feats, and the design, what stands out most clearly to me about these buildings is the structure. They are built to support the whole building, and it is mainly the roof which requires support, such as the buttresses holding up the York Minster. 

I was particularly struck by the red band of tiles in the  centre of the Multangular tower in York. The Romans used "saxa quadrata", each stone cut to the same size and shape, along with a band of red tiles, that held the two sides of the wall together, with a layer sandwiched in between the next platform. This is the Wall-tie, cementing the two outside walls together, and showing through on the outside. They needed to make sure the platform was level before building further. 

We need to work on one new habit of success  at a time, to cement it before we can move onto the next one. Once we have put the structure in place, we can level  it out and build higher. 

What habits are you creating? 

Purlgirl xx