The curse of perfectionism - 80% is merit
Being diagnosed with ADD/Dyspraxia in my 30s was a huge relief. I could let go of the need to be perfect, because I wasn’t and couldn't be.
I have come to accept myself a lot more since I realised it, and recently I found myself aiming for 80% for a practical assessment for coaching, and realised that if I did get 80% it would be not just a merit, but a distinction.
How is that not good enough?
I remember at school wanting to get 100, if I got 99, and wanting 101 if I got 100. Nothing was ever enough - I was never enough - even though it seemed that others were allowed to get less and were still given encouragement. I don't even remember what I felt when I got 100, if I ever even did.
All I do know is that I was never happy, never content. I had to be the best, because if I wasn't the best I wasn't good enough, but being the best made me fearful - what if I wasn't the best next time?
It takes a lot of nervous energy to be a perfectionist. It's tiring, it's relentless and it never lets you stop.
And as I have got older and the projects and tasks have got bigger, it is actually impossible to manage - 100 means you have finished, but some things can't be finished in one day or one attempt.
But I wasn't allowed to rest until I had completed the tasks and I now realise that these were the heavy rocks that I mentally carried around with me. Somewhere along the line I realised that I had to break it down, perhaps because with the Dyspraxia I have to break some tasks down to the very smallest step to even start, because sometimes the smallest step is the key that unlocks everything else, or it's the obstacle that stops me moving forward at all.
So I started breaking things down, rewarding myself for completing that step, even if it meant I had only sat down for an hour, and recognising that perhaps all I need is 80% for that step, and 80% for the next step.
Because 100 also means for the whole project, so I felt unable to break it down, and didn't even know where to begin.
And yet sometimes the only way to move forward is to begin, the only way to learn is to do (Amelia Earhart).
So here's to aiming for 80%, here's to good enough, here's to being the very best we can be this time and knowing that we can learn, and grow, and do better next time.
Purlgirl xx
